Selling my soul

What is it in Irish guys?
We were having a party at a friend's house on Saturday and I was so at ease and chatty and then... This absolutely gorgeous Irish guy walks in. Uuh la la. I'm ready to sell my soul to a devil.

I've met this particular Irish with dark hair and blue eyes before. Every single time he has this same affect on me. I'm trying to ignore it and am pretty good in acting to be cool. I just hate the way he makes me feel...Like a teenager again, not being in control. I love his sense of humor and we laugh together a lot. But am sure, so sure that he could never be interested in me. Guys like him are not interested in girls like me... After the party he dropped me home and he was as nice and attentive as usual.
When it was time to go home we exchanged numbers in the party but in a way that friends do. To my surprise he phoned me yesterday. My heart gushed and overflowed with mirth, happiness, started to beat faster and my cheeks became red. I could feel it. I had dropped an earring to his car (I didn't do it on purpose, honestly!) and he called to ask if am fine and if the earring is mine. Funny thing, I said it must be someone else's he said it can only be yours... hmm... 'till the next time then. I would like to ask him out but I can't, am too afraid...

I'm professional in having a crush on totally wrong persons and it is very self-destructive.

I really should get a life, shouldn't I?

Dumbass Hippie

As everyone here, I live with a changing number of flatmates. It's kinda fun cause you never know who you meet in the breakfast table (sometimes there's a person you've seen them in the metro, sometimes you know you've danced with them, sometimes you've...) Sometimes there's a lot of people I've never met before and that was the case on Tuesday morning also.

I stayed a calmful week alone in our flat as my mates went to visit their homecountries. However, I were not alone anymore as my flatmates dumbass hippie friend turned up... He seemed to be pretty colourful personality. First he managed to lock me out of the house before almost breaking my broadband trying to install it to his apple despite me saying several times it's not going to work. Then he decided to give my mobile number to his family who started calling me in the middle of the night. He's here for an interview for this art school, but apparently managed to screw that up as well.. Have to admit, am not exactly sorry for him.

The hippie left this morning. He was almost an hour late but he had better made the flight as there is no way he's staying at our place ever again. Yesterday tally was drinking my coke and beers, eating my ketchup, and unhooking our phone and finally trying to bum £20 to get to the airport (tough luck)...

Today I can go out to enjoy the sun shine as I do not need to be afraid to find my flat completely destroyed when I come back... It's a beautiful feeling.

"Conquering others requires force. Conquering one's self requires letting go"
-Tae Te Ching-

I learned an important lesson in the weekend. There is so much benefits in smoking weed. Before you think I'm doing something illegal, please note I was in Amsterdam. I went there and I was tired, sad, desperate. For one whole day I stopped thinking. I felt happy and enjoyed life. Of course now I'm sader, more tired and even more but at least being high gave me one happy day.

I'm knackered and still wondering what on earth am I going to do with my life? I can't afford to stay here if I do not have a job. I can't afford to stay the summer at my parents' place if I want to save my sanity. Now it seems to be the only option...and even my sister's not there. Yeah, I know I just propably have too much time to think but this drives me crazy. It makes me feel I want to throw up.

According to Tae Te Ching conquering one's self requires letting go. But if I let go now, who will I end up being?

Selfish bitch

Today, for the first time, it hit me. I realized that my sis' is really getting married. Sure, I've known it will happen someday but today it became real. BANG. My dearest sister...Marrying?

Lately I've been forced to think a lot about these "getting married" things as a lot of my friends have tied the knot. And maybe, maybe getting married is natural in the end. People warned me about it and that's the way it goes, friends around you to be someone else's. But my own sister...My dearest, the one who I've fought and argued with...but we've lived together for years sharing everything we've seen, done, experienced.

The best thing is at some point I realized I have a sister who is not an usual one but the best sister in the world. I'm lucky and I want to thank mum and daddy, for having a sister with who I've been able to share my whole world. A sister who is an example in showing love, living with a feeling in the moment, goodness, and is very emphatic. And now, someone else has realized it as well and is going to take the treasure to be his own. Just like that! How can that be possible? Suddenly there's a man in your life and nothing is like it used to be! I don't understand. What about OUR dreams? Are you leaving it all behind just like that?

The most difficult thing is giving up, I suppose. Yes, I know, life's not ending but a new one is beginning. Selfishness it is but the thing that hurts most is that I'll not be playing the main role in your life anymore. Life's such a drama... and I sound like an old bitter spinster. Absolutely fabulous.

Five weeks to live

I have five weeks to live. Yes, really. No, I am not ill, not even pregnant. After five weeks I am supposed to go to my so called home. And I'm about to lost my newly-found identity.

For ten lovely months I've been running around the City's streets with my killer heels (yes, I can run with them; I needed only two months and an broken ankle to learn) drinking uncountable number of cappucinos and vodka-martinis, having boozy dos and herpes (to my lip, thank you very much). To say it shortly, having a blast! Now, what's the f*cking problem then?

Almost 18 years of my life I've been living nearer Polar Circle than anything else significant (though I have to admit I don't find that very significant either). Please, imagine: a big, beautiful, white house next to a small lake. When you look around you all you can see is the lake, a sauna, thick woods and a small road. No irritating neighbors like here (God bless 'em), nobody staring at you through your window, fresh air, animals... And I'm terrified. The main activities include walking in the forest, swimming in the lake and watching telly (and well, getting pissed drunk. Alone). All that is very well for a week or so but after that I'm really starting to get frustrated, annoyed (and my dear parents even more so) and most of all, annoying. How on earth am I going to live there again?!

Did I already mention that becoming an alcoholic/drug addict is not an answer either? As there is only three pubs and everyone knows you... To give you a general idea how it's like I tell you about my latest visit.

Last Christmas one bartender told me how delighted he is to meet me again and I could drink there for free as much as I like to...For a sexual favor. I was slightly drunk so of course I told that greasy guy (50-years-old, overweight...Yummy!) to piss off and suddenly he told me to piss off and get the f*ck out of there. Sadly, that is the only pub of the town even worth mentioning.

One of the greatest things about living in a place like that is of course the fact that never mind if you don't know because for sure the others do. Like I was wearing heels (mistake #1) when going to hairdresser (mistake #2) and someone yelled at me: "what a city slut you are!" Excuse me? I'm a slut 'cause I'm wearing heels?! Great then. But to be positive: no need to worry about my ankles anymore as I will be wearing sneakers and tracksuits most of the time anyway.

After these images, who can honestly say that he would prefer this wonderfully healthy life in a teeny-tiny town to a hectic, stressful life in the heart of the Europe? Please raise your hand.

I need to find a way to stay here. Maybe I could blackmail my boss? Tell and cry how my poor family needs the money I send? No, that's tasteless.

I have to find a solution. Think. Think. Think.