Via Dolorosa

12 days. 12 days, can you imagine? 12 days and the torture is about to begin. Again. I survived for bloody 18 years. I made it and got myself out of that place which God has abandoned long time ago. What more can you expect?! 18 years of an absolute torture, I think it's a success of sorts, for God's sake. I've been a good girl, a good daughter. I phone to my parents, I go to see them, I send postcards to my granny, I chat with my sister. I haven't forgotten them. And goddamned, I haven't forgotten how's the so called life there. First not being pretty enough, not being confident enough, then being too pretty, too snappy, too confident and everything all over again. I could never be like they wanted me to be. Where are the human-right defenders when you most need them?!

Looking forward to the day in 12 days when my life is about to change upside down again. Looking forward to the day when I need to leave that killingly cute Irish guy behind me. And fuck, just today I finally did it. I sent him a sms! Impressive or what? I know, I know, am pathetic and am just torturing myself by all this crap.

When I was 18 and moved away to study, I thought for a moment that am lucky lucky lucky, that I'll never need to go back at there again. Life is full of surprises...Isn't it? I could use a pleasant one right now... Any suggestions/ideas? Anything?
Heaven help me!

Like a virgin

"So you have had a lot of sex lately?
"erm..."
"Do you have a lot of different sexpartners?"
"What?"
"I think you must have a quite high number already."
"What? Actually it is very short story..."
"Phew, that many?"
"Don't be silly, I..."
"A pretty little thing like you and no boyfriend."
"Well... no..."
"It's stupid not to use condoms. Remember that."
"But..."
"Well, I guess you're old enough for this then. But pay a bit attention to your sexlife."
"What?"

Since when has doctor said things like that when you just want to have the motherfucking pills?!
And compared to anyone I know I am a nun. An awkward, embarrassed nun. Of course I do like sex, actually I love sex but for me, it is just that I need to have my brains with me to be the passionate sex-addict I really am...

"My body is saying let's go but my heart is saying no"