a ramble about all things happened

It's depressing how little has happened since my last post which was verrry long time ago.
To make a quick update...
I broke up with mr.D last October, so we were together for much longer than anyone (including me) expected.
We broke up because I moved to Seoul and wasn't able to talk to him often enough and he was sure I was cheating on him (which I was in the end and yes I know it was wrong but I have no regrets) and he gave me nothing but shit and I couldn't take it anymore. We kept on fighting about everything and I didn't take his feelings into consideration very well...

So he came there to work it out but it didn't help. We just had a fight after another and I didn't want to have anything to do with him. One night he got really angry because I was so confused and hadn't agreed to even kiss him. He was yelling and asking who the hell I think I am to let him come to the other side of the world and when he gets there I'm cold as a fish. He hit his fist to the wall and I was positive he was going to beat the hell out of me. Thank God he didn't but I was really scared and run out. Haven't seen him after that.

After that I dated the guy I cheated Mr.D with...He was a stud, the ultimate bad boy, a sexy American soldier. The perfect plaster. I liked him a lot even tho he didn't deserve it. But whatever, I played it cool and it's in the past now.
South Korea was an extra-ordinary country. I truly loved it and I cherish all the memories from there. I made friends with warm and loving people and received so much hospitality... Tho I have to say that Seoul is quite western. It still offers many wonderful specialities, especially the food, YUMMY!

After that I went to China, and that was a dream came true. There were so many amazing things to experience... I stayed at my friend's house and they were all so very kind and took care of me. The house itself was awful. My friend's family is not poor but the house was so full of junk and was dirty. Especially the kitchen and bathroom...they looked ancient and the water was freezing, taking a shower was a torture.
Beijing was...big and cold. By that I mean there are so many things to see and the weather was killing me, so cold. But walking along the Great Wall made it all up. I've been interested in China's history since I was small and seeing it all myself was just great.
Shanghai was better, I fell in love with that city and if I ever have the chance again, I really wanna go there.

There's more to come, glad to be back!!

A crisis

I've been having a real crisis for a long time now.

Guess what? Mr. D came here to see me. I was absolutely terrified! I went to pick him up from the airport and gash... Did we have a good time? No, not really. i was feeling very uncomfortable with him and I refused to walk hand in hand with him in the city and we didn't meet any of my friends. But when it was just the two of us at my place, then it was fine and we had fun. We got into some serious chatting, and he told me big things, real secrets. Am very taken. But I cannot open up to him. In a way I love him but... am tired of dragging him along and not getting rid of him in my dirty little mind. I just can't let go. While he was here, we agreed we're not together but a few days after he called me like nothing ever happened telling how he missed me. I'm bad, it's wrong not to tell him that I think I'm better off alone.

We just had a crisis phone call on Friday. Why, oh why he always says the right things, the words I so desperately want to hear? It's so unfair.

We'll probably see each other before Christmas, I don't know if I want to. Seriously, I just have to find the courage to tell him how I feel...

One upon a day

One upon day while I was still living in London, I got the phone call. The one I had been dreading for. A call from D's ex-wife. It wasn't beautiful, really not, but I was calm (well, as calm as you can be when you are woken in the middle of the night only to find out you're a bitch and to be questioned what kinda person you are all this entering to your consciousness through your lover's mobile.) and told her am not a marriage-breaker and I think she should talk about it all with Mr. D. I understood her, she is hurt, insulted and she wants to revenge. During that time I couldn't imagine even in my wildest dreams that she actually is a maniac.

As I found out later, after our sweet chat, she beat the hell out of Mr. D, called to Mr. D's (and my ex boss) boss, ran away and left the kids to Mr. D to take care of and disappeared. (Un)fortunately she returned and life has moved on slightly smoother. Wanna know more about this lovely, feisty woman?

Well, I've forgotten about her.

Now, let's dig into details. We're together with Mr D, not that happily though -you told me, I know- but together. I haven't seen him since mid-August. We have chatted on the phone (last phone bill 150£) I still think he is rather lovely but... I don't want him to be a part of my life here! You know it's a different kind of life I live here, it is mine. This is my home; I have my friends, mine! Yes, I am a ego-centric, childish, ridiculous. And we have this basic lack of trust problem. I believe he is not cheating on me but he doesn't trust me at all. According to him accidents happen as we party with my friends and I have no control over my behavior when am drinking (poor guy, he hasn't even seen me drunk). Accidents? He is referring to...?

I don't always know what the situation between me and Mr D. is He calls me but not often enough and he is coming to visit but he is not excited enough. And I tell you, I was so jealous to his kids. Yes, I hate myself for that... that is so pathetic. Mr. D was on a business trip in France and returned back home on Friday. The thought of him seeing his kids after a while, I hated it. Why should I be ready to give up on a lot of things just because he has had it all already? I know for example that he doesn't want to have more kids. But I do. I want to have a baby of my own, one day (in 10 years or so)

To be honest here -this is just for you, OK? - A teeny tiny accident happened last Saturday. We went to party with some friends but at 3 I realized that am alone in that Irish bar. There was a live band so I wasn't too worried. I was jamming and chatting with a nice Californian professor (oh yes, very impressive). So around 3.30am he asked if i want to join him for a beer...to his flat which was just nearby. He was very nice and i didn't feel he is trying to chat me up so I said yes. Off we go to his nice apartment...and drank some water. we had a lot of things to talk about and the best part was he knows how to dance! Swing and tango, it was sweet and tender yet a bit rough. Hot. Girls, you know the spot in your neck, the sweet spot. When someone kisses it, I just loose it. he did and in the right way. We kissed (not bad either but hey, if man knows how to dance, it equals to...) and danced but then, bloody hell, a thought of D crossed my mind and I decided to go home. So I left. I didn't do anything too bad but that guy was awh...lovely.

I might be behaving a bit unwisely here, do you think? Maybe, one upon a day, I will get it.

The bold and the beautiful

It's been a while as I've been too busy with messing up my life...
I had an extremely interesting weekend. Yes, sorry, this is again about Mr D.

On Saturday night I went out with a bunch of guys and one of them is my colleague, Mr K. We had a chat over a few pints and Mr K kept on asking about our Team Building day. Finally I told him to ask, as he obviously wanted to find out something. So, I told him that on TB day nothing happened (which is almost the truth) between Mr D and myself. And then Mr K, who is a good friend of Mr D, said that you do know that Mr D is married and has two kids? And that he is a bit of a playboy? So basically warned me about him.

I saw Mr D on Sunday and we had a lovely time together. We were lying on the beach in the sun and he was telling me stories from his childhood and youth. We spoke about the stress at work, at home, all that...

Did I already mention that the sex is mind-boggling? Gash...

In that eve Mr D told me to be the best I can be, enjoy my life. Go back home, do what I must do and that he would always be there for me if I ever were around in the UK or somewhere nearby. If I didn't mention that earlier, my mission will be finished in the end of July. After I have a holiday and then...I should go back to my home country for a year to finish my degree. I know Mr D is not into long-distance relationships and me neither but it felt so bad when he said those things. It felt so final. But it wasn't.

However, on Monday I told him what Mr K said to me (didn't mention the name) and he was shocked of course. Mr D said I knew that he is married, didn't I? I did. And do I really think he is a playboy? He said he is very at ease with women and finds it easy to talk to them and tease and joke around.... No, I don't think he is a playboy but still you know, maybe am not viewing things very clearly.

Then, it started to get interesting:
D: "Was it Rosa (his ex-wife) call you and said those things?"
Me: "No..."
D: "Don't tell me it was Mr K."
-Am not telling you anything like that.
-I know it was he. You remember the bbq-party just after Eastern, in that eve Mr K said to Rosa that there's something going on between you and me.
-What? You mean you and me? But there was nothing then!
-But that's what Mr K said to Rosa and she believed that, so she thought that the marriage was over because of us.

Great. Now am not only having an affair with a married man with loads of family issues but am also a girl breaking someone's marriage. Am waiting with interest when the ex-wife starts phoning me. She's probably already considering me as a whore... All this should have ended to waking up after a nightmare.

Silly Blonde

The burning question of the day is that what the hell is this all about? Alarm bells are going off around the country and they are starting to reach my ears as well.

Dear Mr. D is a work-holist above all. Last eve he worked till 2 am. and still he came to the office at 7am. So, I haven't seen him after Monday night, which he spent at my place. Oh, I mean till 5.30am. After he had to drive to pick up his son to take him to the day care centre. Lovely, ha? And I didn't say a word. Well, just have to accept the things I cannot change. Honestly I didn't mind but yes, this has been a bit of a rude awakening. It's pretty clear that I can never be the ultimate nr. 1 to him and in the end, that's what all the women want, isn't it?

That night he also told me about his ex-girlfriend (yes, he had one AFTER his divorce back in February. Casanova?). She wanted too much? Wanted him to choose between her and his kids. He told me he can't be there every weekend, every day, more like every now and then. Sounds like a warning to me. "Don't ask too much from me" kinda thing. Should I be making some conclusions here?

So, we've eaten the lunch together at work, we've stolen minutes kissing in the stairs where nobody can see us. Is that normal? I'd like to spend more time with him as he is good company and his kisses feel so good. But, he has his fam and his work..so...He tells me how beautiful, wonderful and sweet I am. He says he's missing me. Is he sincere? Omg, someone please tell me what to do, what to think!? Run for my life?

Seriously, how stupid can a person be? How far I have to go to see what's the best for me?

Testimony

I wasn't totally honest in the last post.

The guy from work, let's say, Mr.D, has caused me a lot of headache. The team building day wasn't that simple either... I just mean that the people might have a reason to assume something as two guys came out of the nightclub and saw us hugging. (It wasn't just a hug really but...) Anyway, I was supposed to sleep that night at a friend's place who lives just nearby. When I phoned her, she didn't wake up and as a smart girl, I went with Mr. D to sleep in his hotel room. Nothing happened, really, but everybody's gonna believe me, right?

The next day, Mr. D called me and we met quickly. I was very very confused by myself, didn't know what I want and honestly I still don't know. I've spent some really nice time with him but he is not excatly the boyfriend of my dreams. Though we speak a lot, it is all so very physical and that's not enough for me. I need and want there to be a strong emotional connection. Otherwise there's nothing to me.

This Sunday, we went out... We planned the whole day together. He came to pick me up in the morning and we went to see these fantastic caves. They were very impressive. Am still astonished. Well, then the more interesting part. We lay down on the grass in one private "parc" (actually it was more of a forest) and just started kissing and stuff... Uuh, have to say Mr.D knew what he was doing. We didn't really have sex cause I said I think it's not a good idea. I wanted it but now am glad we didn't do it. After we went for a drink and then he took me home... And asked to come in. I said good night. That was the most difficult good night 've ever said. He is so great...but still, there's so many things frightrning me. If it was just about having fun, I'd give it a go but it is not so it is getting difficult.

He is coming to my place today... Am playing with fire and am gonna get burned.

Insanity

I'm back to my life. Been two weeks! Wohoo! Congratulations accepted.

Anyway, I already got myself into a trouble and this time this is really shitty. There's this guy at work... He is 10 years older than I am and has divorced in February. Plus he has two kids. We've had a lot of nice talks, serious stuff. On Friday we had our team building day, which was great, and in the after party he came to me and said he adores me...

Nice, isn't it? A lot of people here at work thinks there's something going on between us and honestly there is. But really, am I insane if I start something with a guy like that? It's only four months of his divorce! I like him, I do. But he is a foreign and will probably be gone in August... Everything says am crazy if I start a relationship but I just like him... and he is not even good looking!

OMG, what the hell am I going to do?
More about this later... Am going for drinks with him now.